Now that Thanksgiving is over, we can turn our attention to Christmas.
Fortunately, my wife takes care of the purchase of the gifts.
She felt that it would be ill-advised to let me work because I bought her mother’s underwear.
It turns out that there are a number of tasks that she is more good at, and so it was determined early on in our marriage that responsibilities would be distributed according to ability.
So after the underwear episode she resumed Christmas shopping just like she acquired the household chores after I vacuumed the cat.
The kitchen was torn from me when the children insisted that she be in charge of preparing the meals. Coincidentally, firefighters made a similar suggestion.
Essentially, she’s responsible for most of the chores, leaving me with the singular task of deciding which football game to watch.
I remember the time she asked me to tear myself away from the TV to help her dry the dishes. But that job was also unloaded when I dropped an antique plate.
And a cup of heirloom tea.
She suggested that I had a complete lack of dexterity, despite a demonstrated mastery of porcelain gluing.
But because I apparently have no apparent skill or aptitude; it means that I have no duties or responsibilities. In other words, I am blessed with the gift of incompetence.
Regarding this broken crockery, I was happy to take full responsibility, acknowledging my wife’s theory that nothing breaks when I watch TV.
Clearly, I have found the perfect bride.
According to my friend, however, calling her perfect is a bit extreme, given that she chose me.
He’s right, of course. Obviously, she has questionable tastes. But despite this failure, I still married her. This is because I believe that in order to have a successful union, it is important to be prepared to ignore your partner’s flaws.
Unfortunately, although she is responsible for purchasing all of the Christmas presents, she will not be purchasing hers.
Even though I gave him the money.
So I am given the unenviable task of finding something for her, which, according to past experience, is not an easy task.
Like the time I bought him tires for our anniversary.
At first I thought she was happy because it made her cry.
But I learned that these weren’t the good tears.
Apparently there are two types: tears that say “I love you” and tears that say “I can’t believe I married this guy”.
Turns out she would have been happier with a dozen roses.
At $ 150 a tire, I thought she could have traded them in for as many as 50 dozen roses. But either she never thought about it, or, in addition to her questionable tastes, she is not very good at math.
Due to her generous nature, I have learned that she prefers the kind of gifts that she is able to share. That’s why I find myself buying things from her like a box of chocolates rather than, say, jewelry.
It doesn’t mean that I am unwilling to buy something expensive.
Last year I bought him an 85 inch TV.
Contact humorous columnist Irv Erdos at [email protected]